7:59am Text From Trouble to Greedy Greedy: What are their names?
Image of Trouble Spooning with Male 1 and Male 2
8:02 am Greedy Greedy Shows image to Male 3 and asks for his buddies names. Male 3
Friday
The Rules: According to Greedy Greedy: Top 10 list, Week 1
RULES FOR WOMEN
Rule 10: If you like a guy, don't delete his number more than once. No matter how bad your memory is, you will end up memorizing it and no amount of Makers Mark will help you forget it.
Rule 9: If you start making out with your dating coach, stop paying him. It is gonna get weird fast when you get drunk one night and find him ass naked in bed with you. Don't forget, Men can be hookers too.
Rule 8: We all know that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", but not having an ass or boobs makes you a boy. Real men like Women. Part 2: Trust your girlfriends when they tell you, you aren't fat. They like you because you're pretty. Part 3: If your friends stop inviting you out, it's because you are getting fat.
Rule 7: Fact: 1 in 5 relationships begin online. Fact: 1 in 2 relationships ends because of Facebook. Don't be an idiot. Guys Facebook stalk too.
Rule 6: If a guy doesn't want to talk about his past, it's because he has one. And it ain't good. Run! (If he tells you not to pry into his past through his friends, don't be an idiot and be respectful. He definitely has a girlfriend. Get his buddy wasted and ask. He'll never remember or ever admit to his buddy he accidentally told you.)
Rule 5: If he takes you home to his place at it looks staged, trust your instincts. He definitely lives with his parents.
Rule 4: If you ignore them completely, they will start stalking you. Sometimes its okay to tell them you moved out of state.
Rule 3: If you borrow your friends' ID when you are 28 because you can't find your wallet (two weekends in a row), you should probably take a break from drinking.
Rule 2: If you act like a crazy person and a guy still likes you, it is because you are smoking hot.
Rule 1: Girls who know what they want get what they want. (BUT only if they are pretty. Get a tan, Go workout, Get a push up bra, and Get waxed. )
Words of Wisdom: If someone takes the time to show you who they are, BELIEVE it.
RULES FOR MEN
Rule 10: If a girl hates her father, you better believe she will end up hating you. MOVE ON!
Rule 9: If she eats like a horse on a date with you, you will NOT be getting laid. Girls that feel fat, do NOT put out.
Rule 8: Girls love gay men. If you act like one, they will only want to be friends with you.
Rule 7: The Morning After Pill costs $48.95. When a girl asks you to pick it up for her, DO IT. Stupid people should not be having babies.
Rule 6: If you tell a girl you want to name your new puppy after her and discuss it in front of her with your roommate, she WILL be surprised when you try to make out with her and WILL think your roommate is your BOYFRIEND.
Rule 5: Circumsize you future son(s). It is just fucked up your dad didn't help you out.
Rule 4: Blaming numerous late night sextings on your "friends stealing your phone" will only make you seem more crazy than you already are.
Rule 3: Shave down there. It's not gay. Man up and do it. We don't like your bush as much as you hate ours.
Rule 2: If a girl ignores your calls or texts , do not call or text her from a new number. She still doesn't want to date you. Com'mon. You're smart. You went to MIT. (Obviously ignoring your 5 texts from your other number didn't seem obvious. I'm trying to be nice here and avoid you. Just catch on already and make this easy. Stealing my phone number from my business card with the indication you wanted to talk business does not count as me giving you my number.
Rule 1: If a girl files a restraining order on you, do not assume that it is okay to contact her EVER. Just because the restraining order is no longer valid, doesn't mean your "time out" is up.
Rule 10: If you like a guy, don't delete his number more than once. No matter how bad your memory is, you will end up memorizing it and no amount of Makers Mark will help you forget it.
Rule 9: If you start making out with your dating coach, stop paying him. It is gonna get weird fast when you get drunk one night and find him ass naked in bed with you. Don't forget, Men can be hookers too.
Rule 8: We all know that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", but not having an ass or boobs makes you a boy. Real men like Women. Part 2: Trust your girlfriends when they tell you, you aren't fat. They like you because you're pretty. Part 3: If your friends stop inviting you out, it's because you are getting fat.
Rule 7: Fact: 1 in 5 relationships begin online. Fact: 1 in 2 relationships ends because of Facebook. Don't be an idiot. Guys Facebook stalk too.
Rule 6: If a guy doesn't want to talk about his past, it's because he has one. And it ain't good. Run! (If he tells you not to pry into his past through his friends, don't be an idiot and be respectful. He definitely has a girlfriend. Get his buddy wasted and ask. He'll never remember or ever admit to his buddy he accidentally told you.)
Rule 5: If he takes you home to his place at it looks staged, trust your instincts. He definitely lives with his parents.
Rule 4: If you ignore them completely, they will start stalking you. Sometimes its okay to tell them you moved out of state.
Rule 3: If you borrow your friends' ID when you are 28 because you can't find your wallet (two weekends in a row), you should probably take a break from drinking.
Rule 2: If you act like a crazy person and a guy still likes you, it is because you are smoking hot.
Rule 1: Girls who know what they want get what they want. (BUT only if they are pretty. Get a tan, Go workout, Get a push up bra, and Get waxed. )
Words of Wisdom: If someone takes the time to show you who they are, BELIEVE it.
RULES FOR MEN
Rule 10: If a girl hates her father, you better believe she will end up hating you. MOVE ON!
Rule 9: If she eats like a horse on a date with you, you will NOT be getting laid. Girls that feel fat, do NOT put out.
Rule 8: Girls love gay men. If you act like one, they will only want to be friends with you.
Rule 7: The Morning After Pill costs $48.95. When a girl asks you to pick it up for her, DO IT. Stupid people should not be having babies.
Rule 6: If you tell a girl you want to name your new puppy after her and discuss it in front of her with your roommate, she WILL be surprised when you try to make out with her and WILL think your roommate is your BOYFRIEND.
Rule 5: Circumsize you future son(s). It is just fucked up your dad didn't help you out.
Rule 4: Blaming numerous late night sextings on your "friends stealing your phone" will only make you seem more crazy than you already are.
Rule 3: Shave down there. It's not gay. Man up and do it. We don't like your bush as much as you hate ours.
Rule 2: If a girl ignores your calls or texts , do not call or text her from a new number. She still doesn't want to date you. Com'mon. You're smart. You went to MIT. (Obviously ignoring your 5 texts from your other number didn't seem obvious. I'm trying to be nice here and avoid you. Just catch on already and make this easy. Stealing my phone number from my business card with the indication you wanted to talk business does not count as me giving you my number.
Rule 1: If a girl files a restraining order on you, do not assume that it is okay to contact her EVER. Just because the restraining order is no longer valid, doesn't mean your "time out" is up.
Love Notes
I'm on a flight back to my hometown of Chicago for the wedding of my good family friends from back home. I'm seated next to my friend's brother, who I've had a crush on since my family moved to Chicago when I was 8. I haven't seen him since I was in high school and I hear he's single for the first time in years. It's been over 9 years since I've seen him. We catch up on old stories about how annoying his sister and I were when we were little, my recent graduation from my MBA program and new job. I'm nervous talking to him as he's even more handsome than I remember. My crush on him is back in full bloom and I can feel the same butterflies I had back in the day when I'd draw "RE loves AM" on my pink spiral notebook. I'm downing shots of Tequila like tomorrows my last. He throws me on the the dance floor like we are good friends. He's swinging me across the room and making googly eyes at me all night. We kiss at the end of the night and head back up to his hotel room. His sister doesn't seem to notice as she's off drinking on he pier with the rest of the bridal party.The next morning, I wake up and AM is butt naked (he has pretty cute one at that). I'm keep my eyes shut tight as to not stare at him as he sleeps and begin to picture what our kids will look like. I think about how we can tell the story to our grandchildren of how I loved their grandfather since I was 8 and how he was the cool 16 year old that would drive my friend and I to band practice. I'm shocked to think he actually finds me attractive now that I'm "finally his age" and how well we had hit it off last night. I can picture our future babies with his smile and muscular build and my olive skin tone and eyes.
The clock reads 5:59am and he's still in a deep sleep. I roll over next to him and realize the bed feels wet. Really wet. I feel around his area and realize that my shorts are the ones that are wet. Fuck!
I look over and he looks so peaceful as the blood rushes to my face and I am utterly embarrassed. Our cute little babies and family bbq's with my best friend/ sister-in-law fade.
I sneak out and leave him a note as tears begin to roll down my cheeks.
For self esteem purposes, I have no choice but to write "I can't believe you did this".
We never speak of that night again.
Note to self
Note to self: Single (Straight) Men do NOT go to wine bars.
Note to self: Going into the neighbors building climbing over the roof and entering your own building through the roof door is not the way to get home.
Note to self: If Kerry tells you go sleep in Boy X's bed and says, "Don't worry. He's Gay", she's probably lying.
Note to self: Texting your little brother to inquire what year he was born in order to verify that the child you are currently making out with is at least the same age or older, is sign that you are digressing in life.
Note to self: Gay men like boobs too.
Note to self: When your girlfriend tells you NOT to hook up with her brother, be sure to clarify how many brothers she has PRIOR.
Note to self: Men who don't like to snuggle were unloved as children. Move on.
Note to self: Boys who say "yo" should be immediately dismissed. Age does matter.
Note to self: Going into the neighbors building climbing over the roof and entering your own building through the roof door is not the way to get home.
Note to self: If Kerry tells you go sleep in Boy X's bed and says, "Don't worry. He's Gay", she's probably lying.
Note to self: Gay men like boobs too.
Note to self: When your girlfriend tells you NOT to hook up with her brother, be sure to clarify how many brothers she has PRIOR.
Note to self: Men who don't like to snuggle were unloved as children. Move on.
Note to self: Boys who say "yo" should be immediately dismissed. Age does matter.
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