In an effort to remain friends after breaking up with my most recent Ex, we decided to get together and go for a hike. There's this beautiful trail in Marin that is super remote and exclusive and I had been promising to take him there for over a year. So naturally, after we break up he decides to hold me to this.
The day started out just fine. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't immediately start feeling sorry for himself as he had done in every other post-breakup conversation. The weather was perfect and despite being fairly hung-over from trouble hunting the night before, I felt pretty content. Then about 45 minutes into the trail, I suddenly feel something sharp poke me in the back. I say to my Ex that it feels like a splinter flew into my back and I start pulling at my workout top. He looks at my back and says there’s nothing there so we keep walking. Then it happens again and this time it was even more intense. The pain is so sharp I immediately rip off my top (with built in bra) and my Ex exclaims frantically that he just saw a huge bee fly out from inside my shirt. How it got in there in the first place is a mystery but now I have a bigger problem on my hands. I’m standing there completely naked from waist up (so much for keeping things non-sexual) and two cute male hikers walk past us and smile intriguingly. I put my hands over my bare chest but after being stung twice on my spine there is no way I can put my spandex top back on. Luckily, my Ex reminds me that I have a T-shirt in my backpack and goes to take it out. He obviously wasn’t in too much of a hurry though since it was still an opportunity for him to check out the twins. But while he’s fishing for my top, a group of 20 boy scouts come walking down this “super remote trail only a few people know about.” I’m trying to cover myself as much as I can but the scouts are clearly in shock and awe. My Ex is trying to hold back his laughter and exclaims: “I know what they’ll be thinking about tonight.” I’m mortified. I turn my back to my Ex, put on my T-shirt and try to compose myself. Unfortunately, I am now braless (since my last top had the bra built-in) and conveniently I had chosen to bring my breast cancer T-shirt that says “I © Boobies” right across the middle of my tits. And since my back is on fire (bee stings hurt like a bitch), I have to hold my shirt out away from my skin because any pressure on my skin at all just intensifies the stinging sensation. Then to add to the fire, it’s a little chilly out so not only am I braless and pulling my shirt tighter again my chest, but my nipples are hard enough to cut through glass. And we still have to hike the 45 minutes back to the car. The stinger must have hit a nerve or something because I don’t ever remember a bee sting being this painful. Oh, and did I mention I’m also allergic to bees??? Yeah, on top of the pain - my chest is getting tight, I’m short of breath, and breaking out in cold sweats. At this point my eyes are tearing and I’m too uncomfortable to be humiliated anymore. That is until a group of 40+ Chinese tourists start approaching us with cameras and binoculars. I might as well be topless because wearing a tight thin T-shirt with no bra and hard nipples doesn’t leave much to the imagination. So much for this exclusive trail…
Once we finally get back to the car, we still have to drive 20 back into the nearest town. When we arrive in town we go into the one general store that exists to look for ice. They don’t sell ice. So a bag of frozen peas will have to suffice. On our way out of this town that probably has a population of 80 people, guess who we run into? Greedy Greedy’s parents. How random! I begin explaining to them what happened and ironically GG’s mom has just bought this healing balm for a local medicine woman. We’re in the middle of the street but she tells me to pull up my shirt so she can put in on my back. What the hell. Everyone else has already seen me topless today. Why not my best friend’s parents and a small town as well. The only thing that makes this day worse is that peas smell really bad when they thaw out L
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