Cliff Notes

Cliff Notes

Tuesday nights are reserved for our weekly “Taco Tuesday” bar night. The tacos are two bucks, the beers are two bucks, and well…honestly that’s enough for us. However, it’s pretty much a guarantee that we can be spotted at the same time/place every week. Luckily, most of the guys there are too drunk to remember us. Take my next case for example…we just refer to him as “Eeeeeew Gross.” Greedy Greedy and are standing at the bar looking for some guy we call Minkus that we ran into on the street. Eeeeeew Gross turns to me and tells me to hold his drink for a second. Before I can respond, his sweaty margarita glass is dripping all over my boots and he steps away. I promptly turn to set the glass down on the bar when he comes back and asks if I want a drink. That’s a pretty quick way to turn the mood around when someone offers you alcohol. As soon as he buys me a beer I realize that this was an incredibly unfair deal considering my beer was $2 and I’m clearly waaaay out of his league (refer to attached photo). But the damage is done and I’m polite so I decide to give him three minutes of my time. He tells me he lives in the Marina (figures) and asks where I live. I give him the general vicinity and he asks if he can take me out the lunch sometime. The three minutes are nearly up and GG is always telling me I need to go on more dates, so for the sake of me ending the conversation asap I give him my phone number. As he’s creating a new contact he starts to look me up and down decisively, “Let’s see… blonde… hot, (blank) street, taco Tuesday, bar…Hmmm, what else?.” Appalled, I ask “Are you kidding me?! I’m giving you my number and you’re not even gonna remember who I am?!” Eeeeeew Gross, “That’s why I’m writing it down! You know, Cliff Notes.” “Alright fine, give me some adjectives for me to remember who you are then…” He sends me a text: “Marina, red jacket, roofie cocktail, lunch?” Followed by an incredibly unattractive picture (see above). I tell him we have to go join our friends and walk away. Shortly after, we run into Minkus again and meet his friends. His friends are nice, funny, and good company so we hang out for a while and have a drink. About half an hour later I look up and see this guy standing a few feet away with his back turned towards me. He’s wearing low rise jeans that reveal not only a hairy muffin top, but also a male tramp stamp! As my eyes move up I notice a short, red, leather jacket and faux-hawk. I interrupt mid-conversation with the guy I’m talking to and yell “Eeeeeew Gross!!!” Just then the guy turns around, smiles at me, and then does one of those pubic I’m keeping my eye on you hand gestures. First thing that comes in my mind is that I’m going to have to change my phone number immediately. So to make sure I NEVER accidentally answer any of his calls I change his name in my phone to “Eeeeeew Gross.” I now have a much greater respect for the Cliff Notes system. The next day as I’m scrolling through my contacts, I realize that I have quite a few people stored with the Cliff Notes system that I didn’t even realize. Here are a few examples:

Lyonel (cabbie)
Ken Firefighter
Sahal (Gansevoort)
Moobs :(
Todd (Tonic)
Dave (Tonic)
Vegas Guy???
Dominic NYC 3B
Eeeeeew Gross
French Guy
Bad News Bear
Kevin – Bullet Guy #1
Steve – Bullet Guy #2
Cute Neighbor
Loser No Good Pot Head

Additionally, Greedy Greedy and I have a nickname system. When we each date 4 to 5 guys at a time it can get pretty confusing so nicknames are a must. Take Minkus for example… Remember the TV show “Boy Meets World”? Well there’s a really dorky character called Minkus and this one guy I went out with looks like a grown up version of him. Greedy Greedy has a random cuddle buddy we call Plaid Shirt Guy because the first night we met him he was wearing a plaid shirt. Some names are even less favorable too, like “Moobs” (aka man boobs). But it makes it easier for us to know who the other one is talking about immediately just by their name. And IF we ever use their real name… game over. Using a guys real name means you actually like him and he’s not just one of many in a lineup. Real names are dangerous. We have a 4 guy minimum for a reason. If you’re dating 4 guys, chances are you’ll be getting enough attention between each one’s modest attempt. It also makes it harder to get too attached to any one guy.